Myths About Consensual Non-Monogamy Discredited

The cultural ban on having sex with your friends is an inevitable offshoot of a societal belief that the only acceptable reason to have sex is to lead to a monogamous marriagelike relationship.

Dossie Easton

Non-monogamy is an umbrella term for relationships in which partners consent to engaging in romantic and/or sexual relationships with multiple people, unlike cheating, which is non-consensual. There are many subtypes of relationships that fall under this umbrella including open relationships, relationship anarchy, and throuples. People practice non-monogamy for reasons that are as unique as each individual. A few examples are sexual fulfilment, a desire for new experiences, or beliefs and value systems.

How common is consensual non-monogamy and why is it so misunderstood?

Non-monogamy is more common than most people think, especially in Second Life! Research would suggest at least 5% of US Citizens are currently in a non-monogamous relationship, while about 21% of US Citizens report having been in a non-monogamous relationship at some point in their lives, I’d be willing to bet my mortgage on the fact that number is a LOT higher in our little Virtual World! Unfortunately, within a mononormative society, non-monogamy tends to be a misunderstood practice. This post hopes to dispel some of the myths surrounding non-monogamy which perpetuates unfair stigma.

Misconceptions About Consensual Non-Monogamy

MYTH: Non-monogamy is a free for all and normalizes cheating.

When practiced ethically, non-monogamy is not the same as cheating because everyone involved is knowingly consenting to the arrangement. Cheating is when a person in a relationship unilaterally makes a decision to break an agreement made with their partner so, it’s clearly not the same. Furthermore, many non-monogamous relationships do have boundaries like monogamous relationships do, they just differ in contents. It’s important to note the difference between boundaries and rules; in short, boundaries dictate your own behaviour (if you do x, I will do x), while rules attempt to control the other person’s behaviour (you may not do x).

MYTH: People in non-monogamous relationships do not experience jealousy.

Jealousy is a natural, morally neutral human emotion. Non-monogamous relationships often bring up jealousy primarily because they go against social conditioning. When you have been told your whole life that true love and commitment can only exist between two people, it makes sense to feel jealous when you are trying to operate differently. It is okay to feel jealous, but non-monogamous people often have to do work to unlearn their conditioning to mitigate jealousy. Even the most experienced non-monogamous people grapple with jealousy sometimes and the essential key to making non-monogamy work is how you handle jealousy. With communication, self-reflection, and teamwork, jealousy is absolutely a navigable obstacle.

MYTH: Non-monogamy is for promiscuous people who do not want to commit.

Commitment is not defined by exclusivity. Commitment is about making promises and following through with action to nurture and build a relationship, whatever that means to the people within it. That is entirely possible in a non-monogamous context. Non-monogamous people are not commitment-averse, conversely, they are often multi-committed.

MYTH: Non-monogamous relationships are unhealthy.

As a relationship structure, non-monogamous relationships - similarly to monogamous relationships - are as healthy as the people practicing it. Some characteristics of a healthy relationship are trust, openness, boundaries, and mutual respect, all of which are possible to achieve within a non-monogamous context.

Conclusions

Non-monogamy is a valid form of relationship that is not inherently better or worse than monogamy. Unfortunately, misinformation about it perpetuates stigma and harmful myths. At the end of the day, it is up to each individual to determine what relationship structure works best for them and that choice is not a reflection of morality. If you are trying to determine what type of relationship makes the most sense for you, consider seeking professional help from a trained therapist.

A resource I often refer to when writing posts like this is a fabulous little book called The Ethical Slut. A brilliantly written self-help book about non-monogamy written by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. In the book, Easton and Hardy discuss non-monogamy as a concept and a practice, and explore sexual practices and common challenges in non-monogamous relationships.

What’s on this week?