You are what you eat!

I am forever engaged in a silent battle in my head over whether or not to lift the fork to my mouth, and when I talk myself into doing so, I taste only shame. I have an eating disorder.

Jena Morrow

It’s a familiar saying, “you are what you eat”, the thing is, when you’re eating nothing, you feel like nothing!

This week Taylor Swift announced she has been struggling with an eating disorder. At the risk of sounding horribly patronising, I think it’s a very brave thing to have done and I know through personal experience it’s the start of her recovery.

I believe one of the hardest things with a mental illness, such as an eating disorder is the fact that very often you don’t “look” ill. When I broke my arm a few years ago there was an obvious visual indication something had happened and I happily moaned endlessly about how it was getting in the way, how itchy it was, blah, blah. Yet, when I had an eating disorder, I couldn’t look someone in the eye and say “I have an eating disorder.” I suppose it was the fear of people’s reactions.

Around two years after a particularly devastating bereavement I spent two months as a day patient in an eating disorder unit. Hardly anyone knew, friends or family, because I felt too ashamed and embarrassed to tell anyone. I was in my twenties, had a relatively senior position professionally, historically bright and bubbly – how on earth could I have an eating disorder? How on earth could I tell people about it? In the end other people realised anyway and started to confront me, which initially terrified me. I denied everything most of the time that anyone questioned me about my weight loss and my low mood. I wasn’t prepared to accept the fact that I had a mental illness and that made talking about it even harder.

One of the situations I found hardest during the recovery from my eating disorder is the fact that people “assume” you’re better. Physically, I’d put weight on, I was smiling more and had started going to the gym. My body was getting “better” but my mind certainly was not. Even now, several years on, I still have periods where my mind gets confused about food, I’ve even felt guilty once or twice when I’ve been writing about food in this blog! I still sometimes struggle with my body image and my confidence as I did when I was, let’s be honest here, dangerously underweight. These periods have become a rarity I’m glad to say but it’s a constant reminder that those feelings are still there however, I’ve learned to cope and deal with them. During my initial recovery people looking in at my life, saw I was “better”, because I “looked” better. When I started to put on weight after my time spent in hospital people used to say “you look fantastic now” and honestly, I’d be devastated. I’d cry in the toilets at work, or with my friends, because I felt so hopeless.

If I was giving any advice to Taylor Swift right now, I’d really advise her not talk about weight or size. An eating disorder is a serious mental illness, and food and weight are only one aspect, there’s a lot more going on and it’s not particularly helpful to focus on that one area. When I was at my worst, people who didn’t realise I was ill, used to compliment me on my weight loss and I then felt torn because I knew something wasn’t right, but then positive comments on my weight loss fed into my eating disorder and made me feel like I couldn’t stop or I would put on weight again.

I also believe it’s very hard for a person with an eating disorder to accept that they have an illness. For a long time, I completely denied I was ill. Even being off work, going into hospital and having on going treatment wasn’t enough for me to accept that I was ill. I don’t know what really made me see that I was ill and it was okay to talk about it, but it was much later on that I began to accept it.

I know for me that the stigma attached to having an eating disorder made me want to keep it a secret, and my eating disorder fed on the lies and the fact that I felt I couldn’t tell anyone. But now I feel I want to talk about it. I want to talk about it because it’s not fair that eating disorders have such a stigma attached to them. It’s not fair that so many people are still struggling, and it’s not fair that there are so many misconceptions about eating disorders.

So, when I talk about Taylor Swift’s bravery, it’s not patronising, it’s from my own personal experience, it’s from the heart. Like any mental illness, the road to recovery starts when take that vital step to disclosure, the best therapy for me was acknowledging I had a problem and then talking about. I wish Taylor much love and I know she has her demons on the ropes!

What’s on this week?

Actually – it’s a big week for me, as you’ll see from my notes, I’ve finally moved from Maitreya to Legacy. I’m still not 100% convinced but I’m going to stick with it for the time being!