Hookups – Good or a Bad Thing?

“Don’t let anyone try to use casual dating against you. Slut shaming isn’t cool, and you still have feelings even if you don’t want to settle down.”

Adriana. From, “25 Rules to Keep Casual Dating Fun and Honest”

Feeling a little lonely and to be honest a little unloved in my Second Life I registered myself on the Thundr app – never heard of it, take a look here. I’m told, as I’ve not used it, it’s a little like Tinder, swipe one way if you like someone, swipe another if they have three heads!

I’ve read quite a few profiles on there, some interesting, some not however, something that pops up a lot is; “No Hookups”. Being a little naive I suppose, I wondered what that actually meant so, I went to Google, turns out it wasn’t what I was thinking, here’s what I learned;

Casual sex in Second Life seems ubiquitous these days, maybe it always has been. Casual hookups, one-night stands, booty calls, friends with benefits, it’s all there if you want it. When to have sex, when not to have sex, the implications of who you have sex with and when. And no two encounters are alike. The (western) cultural assumption is that adults are having sex; regardless of whether you’re in a committed relationship with someone or someone’s, poly is another thing that seems to feature in Thundr.

What exactly is a casual hookup?

If you are considering casual sex, you first have to define for yourself what that entails. Is casual sex meeting up with strangers for a one-night stand; or is it finally asking out that hottie you keep bumping into at Peak and making out on a sexy sofa in a skybox somewhere? Is it sex with someone you’ve established an emotional relationship with and you just happen to share sexual encounters every once in a while? Feelings about casual hookups depend largely on context; what might feel fulfilling and empowering one day may cause anxiety and frustration the next. Knowing the motivation behind your “why” before defining the “what” is worth some proactive conscious thought. Once you’ve decided what the parameters for yourself are, sharing this with your potential partner(s) is crucial. Not only can setting and maintaining those boundaries keep you safe, but it helps your partner(s) understand what they’re signing up for, so that they can give you their enthusiastic consent… or not!

Second Life Hookups: sexy or stigmatized?

It’s easy to get swept up with the idea of a booty call when it’s romanticized everywhere you look! Popular media portrays casual sex as something that is fun & carefree. (Case in point: how many rom-coms can you think of where the main characters ended up with each other after a steamy encounter?) The fact is: it’s not as simple or widespread as the media would lead you to believe. Past studies have shown a range of between 53% and 76% of college students reporting they have “hooked up” at least once. Additionally, what is going on at college campuses may not always be representative of what happens in Second Life, let me rephrase that, what is going on at college campuses is definitely NOT what is happening in Second Life!

There is also still stigma around casual sex- particularly among women, women who have been socialized under the concept of “purity culture”. Until the 1960’s when modern birth control was introduced, sex was largely deemed as a functional duty to ones’ family; not something that was meant to be enjoyed, and certainly not outside of the confines of a heterosexual marriage, God forbid! In other words: sex inside of marriage was an expectation; anything else was regarded as shameful.

Some of those conservative-leaning values about sex and limits around it are still held by many to this day. These beliefs have led to here are lots of stereotypes when it comes to people who engage in casual sex. People in Second Life are often labelled as: tramps, whores, sluts, easy, loose and a whole other plethora of names for even being rumored to be sexually active outside of a committed relationship, many times, by themselves! The movie “Easy A” with Emma Stone is a perfect example of the misconceptions around people who are believed to be engaging in casual sexual activity and their respectability. It’s easy to get swept up in other people’s opinions about what sex is, which can be a huge reason why people don’t engage in casual sex in the first place. The most important part of this decision is: what does sex mean to you, and is there a way you can shape it to feel good to you?

Benefits of Casual Sex, (Yes, there are some!!)

In the right circumstances, sex can and should be a pleasurable experience, even if it’s a one-night stand. After all, the act of sex itself releases a bunch of “feel good” chemicals (hello, endorphins and oxytocin!) that create feelings of connection and relaxation. But even more than that, there can be a sense of empowerment in being able to choose who you have sex with and when. Companionship, novelty, and self-confidence are examples of why people might seek out these types of encounters.

Pursuing this type of relationship can be an opportunity to find your sexual “voice”; your likes and dislikes with someone you feel emotionally and physically connected to, (personally something I find massively important in a virtual world), even if it is temporary. In fact, the very transient nature of hookups might even be seen as a perk: the stakes don’t have to be as high, and some of the pressure might be taken away. While it’s always best practice to treat people with respect, knowing that the encounter will eventually come to an end might even add to the thrill of the whole situation!

Drawbacks of Casual Sex, (Yes, there’s some of those as well!!)

There are also inherent risks to casual sex in Real Life: unintended pregnancy, STI exposure and emotional conflicts, among others, can arise if precautions aren’t taken. Thankfully, most of these risks can be mitigated in Second life if that’s the path you choose. Even in Second Life, it’s a good idea to abstain from alcohol or drug use to avoid impairing your baseline judgment, being honest about your sexual history, and sharing your location with another trusted person in your life are all actions you can take to reduce the potential negative consequences of a saucy rendezvous.

In the moment: a mixed bag

While there are many factors to consider, research does not show definitively whether casual hookups have more negative than positive outcomes… There are studies that suggest that the implications are different for males than females, for example. Empirical measurements of self-confidence vs depressed feelings are only helpful to an extent because of factors like age, gender, upbringings, etc: it’s just too nuanced to nail down. Blanket statements like “casual sex is bad” are unhelpful, because they do not account for the variations a person can experience when participating in a casual hookup. In fact, according to sex researcher Dr. Justin Lehmiller, “‘Casual sex’ isn’t all that casual. While the name implies a purely physical, completely emotionless encounter, research finds that most people desire a degree of intimacy and connection during sex.” If this is the case, are you self-aware enough to know what you need and want and how to get it? Taking this question into consideration is a great first step to take if you want to build casual sex into your repertoire.

Is casual sex right for you?

More than anything, the best thing you can do is to think about why you want to engage in casual sex in the first place. What’s your goal or motivation? Do you want to try something new in bed? Get better at negotiating boundaries? Go on a nice date and not engage in sex at all? This is an important step and not one that you should skip because ultimately you should be able to communicate these wants and needs with any potential partner(s). Being able to have clear, straight-forward communication about what type of sex you’re looking for is a huge green flag for anyone you might consider hooking up with (*think: enthusiastic consent)! With motivation in mind, think about the things you can do to set yourself up for success: will it take a certain amount of time to get to know this person? As we all know, in Second Life, relationships can go from 0 to 60 in a nano-second!

But even the best laid plans occasionally go awry, so it’s worth mentioning that you can pause or stop at any time. Consent for any situation should be freely given and it can be taken away for any reason. Just another reason why thinking through your ideal scenario ahead of time can be helpful- you can point to a moment or feeling when maybe you want to change your mind, and changing your mind is okay! You might find the ratio of risk to reward was not what you thought it would be: maybe it’s something that felt good in the short-term, but long-term it’s not fulfilling you in a way that entices you to continue. Giving yourself time and space to reflect on your experience(s), whether positive or negative, is a great skill to hone so that you can show up as your most actualized sexual self!

To be(d) or not to be(d), that is the question!

To be a sexually active Second Life adult, it is important to have some basic tools in your toolbox: factual sex-safety information, strong communication skills and a healthy dose of common sense can take you far. That said, casual sex can also be an opportunity to figure things out, you don’t have to know it all, sometimes, that’s half the fun! By taking some basic precautions and having a positive outlook, you can create the casual sex landscape that best fits you.

What’s on this week?