When all you want is for the world to swallow you whole!

Feb 2, 2019
5 min read

As unusual as a gift like this sounds, you have to admit that they are ideal stocking stuffers, I mean, you can fit a vibrator into the long top part of the stocking and still be able to get another cute little gift in the toe! I have to admit, I enjoyed mine, but my grandmother refused to use hers. She was concerned that it would short-circuit her pacemaker.

Carrie Fisher

Periodically, for no other reason other than self-indulgence, I get the urge to buy something off the peg which could only be described as, well…. Sensual. You know the stuff, completely impractical when you consider what you will wear over it, potentially a little uncomfortable if worn in a cramped tube carriage but, something that makes you feel amazing, especially if you’ve lost a few pounds because you actually stuck to your actual New Years resolutions and actually completed dry January, (yay me!!). Now, the place I tend to make a beeline for is the predictable Agent Provocateur, over the years I’ve amassed several items that frankly only I’ve ever seen on errrr…. me.

I’m lucky living in London, I have three dedicated stores to choose from plus the concession in Selfridges. On this occasion I headed for the one just off New Bond Street, a VERY posh part of town so it has to be respectable right? On route I happened across a branch of Ann Summers, for those of you that are unfamiliar shop, it’s kind of the acceptable face of, for want of a better description, a sex shop, you know the kind of place, it was sexy knickers, chocolate in the shape of a vagina and penis shaped pasta. As I walked past, my eyes were drawn to a VERY pretty satin and lace bra and knicks combo. I found myself pausing before conspiratorially looking left and right then walking in the door.

Obviously, I didn’t want to talk to anyone, I didn’t really want to explain what I wanted and why I was there so, averting all eye contact I moved in the direction of what looked like the Lingerie section. Phew, I was right! As I was looking through the racks, and I have to say here, there was lots of really pretty things, my eye was once more drawn to something else. Just beyond the lingerie area there looked like a section dedicated to errrr…... *coughs*…… “toys”.

Well, as I was there anyway, what was the harm in having a quick look? Now, it’s a while since I’d perused such, “equipment” and I was surprised by the variety of ergonomics, not to mention colours. I spied what can only be described as a misshapen pale pink banana. Instinctively I picked it up and having read the blurb; “This massager has been ergonomically designed to stimulate the clitoral nerve endings, with a uniquely-curved shape.” quickly discovered it was a device for the specific purpose of clitoral stimulation.

So, I’m looking at this thing thinking, how the hell does this thing work then I noticed what looked like an on button. Now consumed by curiosity I did what any inquisitive individual would do and pressed the button. The thing immediately sprang into life and started buzzing and vibrating like there was no tomorrow! Conscious it was quite loud, well to my horrified ears at least, I pressed it again to turn it off. Pressing it again simply made it vibrate more slowly, so I pressed it again, this time it went into what felt like more of a rhythmic pulse. I was now fascinated by this gadget and its array of functionality, there was even a “volume” thing which simply adjusted the intensity, amazing!

Once I'd got bored and drained most of the batteries, I decided that I had enough of said, strange shaped pink banana and looked for a way to turn it off. Examining the device in the relative darkness of the store I was fecked if I could find a way to turn the damned thing off! The only button I found was the on button and despite several, now frantic pushes, I could NOT turn the damned thing off!

"Fuck!" I thought, "I only came in to look at some knickers!!" I couldn't just shove it back on the glass shelf otherwise it would make that horrible sound your phone makes when it vibrates on the desk at work or in a restaurant, the difference being that by now the love banana was on the “steady thrust mode on max intensity, oh the shame!

"Err, can I help you with anything?" came a voice from behind me which nearly made me jump out of my skin. A concerned shop assistant must have spotted my pathetic, ducking and prodding and with a look of, “*sigh* another punter who has stumbled in off the street by accident”, and had come over to offer his support, yes, it was a him……EEEEEK. Furthermore, he was an early twenty something with fabulous hair, cool T-Shirt and baggy jeans, in any other given situation, he could have been accurately described as hot.

In a voice, that can only be described as pitiful I said, “Oh…errrr yes, I picked this up by accident, (yeah right!!), and pressed this button on the front, now it’s going a bit…… errrr, bananas, hahaha, (awkward laugh!). I very gingerly proffered the vibrating banana and he took it from me. Looking me directly in the eye he pressed the button once more however, rather than emulate my random, frantic prodding, he calmly kept his thumb depressed until the now deafening vibration – stopped! OMG – I’ll I had to do was keep my stupid finger on the stupid button for five seconds!!!

“Shall I take it to the till for you madame?”, “Madame”, oh the total shame. Looking over at the crowded till what else could I do?

“Thank you very much for your help, you’ve been very kind however, I was just browsing”. Cue more awkward laughter and I made for the door, flicking my hair and moving at a speed I thought might maintain a little decorum and dignity. No Chance!

Now I’m not saying I was blushing as I exited the store however, it was snowing and as each flake hit my face it hissed and immediately transformed into a puff of steam!

What’s on this week?