Hospital Humour
The art of medicine consists in amusing the patient while nature cures the disease.
Voltaire
As I think most of you know, in the real world I have a job in healthcare. I love my job, I consider myself very fortunate to have stumbled into something that brings me challenges and joy in equal measure. Working in this environment however, does give me a pretty low tolerance for how the doctors, nurses, physiotherapists etc., are portrayed in fiction and on the small screen, I tend to avoid things like Casualty or Grey’s Anatomy or Holby City, (Although I did LOVE House!), it’s not that it isn’t great drama, it’s the way the whole thing is sanitised and glorified, believe me, many nurses I know are not angels! So, when a friend said I HAD to read; “This is Going to Hurt: Secret Diaries of a Junior Doctor”, I kind of sighed, nodded and then thought more of it.
Fast forward last Friday and I’m at the airport waiting for an internal flight to Scotland and I remember I’d forgotten my book, “How to Stop Time by Matt Haig”, (worthy of another post so watch this space!), so I wader into W H Smiths to see what they have that will kill a few hours of “air travel” boredom.
Their number one best seller is as you may be able to guess, said book “This is Going to Hurt: Secret Diaries of a Junior Doctor”, I instinctively avoid it and pick up a few other novels but then my eyes drift towards a review that says; “If you are at all squeamish, I recommend you read this book lying flat on your back.” Then below, a quote from the author Adam Kay that read; “If I had kids, I would put them off studying medicine”. Now I’m a little more intrigued so pick up This is Going to Hurt and skim to a random page about a third of the way in. There’s a story about extracting foreign objects from an individual’s rectum. Now these stories are the stuff of medical folk law, and I’m immediately sceptical however, as I read it the wider the smile on my face becomes, evidently this is the real thing and it’s written in such a way I’m giggling to myself as I flick over the page.
I’d read enough to know that this wasn’t going to be the usual sanitised version of the NHS rather, an irreverent and gritty perspective by someone that had lived the midnight corridors! At this point I suppose I should give a review, my hesitation relates to the fact the book is hilarious from start to finish and I don’t want to give anything away so, instead here’s an extract from the beginning of the book previously published on the interwebs.
Tuesday 3 August 2004
Day one. H has made me a packed lunch. I have a new stethoscope, a new shirt and a new email address: atom.kay@nhs.net. It’s good to know that no matter what happens today, nobody could accuse me of being the most incompetent person in the hospital. And even if I am, I can blame it on Atom.
I’m enjoying the ice-breaking potential of the story, but in the pub afterwards, my anecdote is rather trumped by my friend Amanda. Amanda’s surname is Saunders-
Vest. They have spelled out the hyphen in her name, making her amanda.saundershyphenvest@nhs.net.
Monday 30 August 2004
Whatever we lack in free time, we more than make up for in stories about patients. Today in the mess over lunch we’re trading stories about nonsense "symptoms" that people have presented with. Between us in the last few weeks we’ve seen patients with itchy teeth, sudden improvement in hearing and arm pain during urination. Each one gets a polite ripple of laughter, like a local dignitary’s speech at a graduation ceremony. We go round the table sharing our version of campfire ghost stories until it’s Seamus’s turn. He tells us he saw someone in A&E this morning who thought they were only sweating from half of their face. He sits back in anticipation of bringing the house down, but there’s merely silence. Until pretty much everyone chimes in with: "So, Horner’s syndrome then?" He’s never heard of it, specifically not the fact that it likely indicates a lung tumour. Seamus scrapes his chair back with an ear-splitting screech and dashes off to make a phone call to get the patient back to the department. I finish his Twix.
Friday 10 September 2004
I notice that every patient on the ward has a pulse of 60 recorded in their observation chart, so I surreptitiously inspect the healthcare assistant’s measurement technique. He feels the patient’s pulse, looks at his watch and meticulously counts the number of seconds per minute.
Friday 12 November 2004
An inpatient’s blood results show her clotting is all over the shop for no good reason. Hugo eventually cracks it. She has been taking St John’s Wort capsules from a health food shop for anxiety. Hugo points out to her (and, in fairness, to me) that it interacts with the metabolism of warfarin and her clotting will probably settle down if she stops taking it. She is astonished. "I thought it was just herbal – how can it be that bad for you?" At the sound of the words "just herbal", the temperature in the room seems to drop a few degrees and Hugo barely holds in a weary sigh. It’s clearly not his first time at this particular rodeo.
"Apricot stones contain cyanide," he replies drily. "The death cap mushroom has a 50 per cent fatality rate. Natural does not equal safe. There’s a plant in my garden where if you simply sat under it for ten minutes then you’d be dead." Job done: she bins the tablets.
I ask him about that plant over a colonoscopy later.
"Water lily."
Wednesday 16 November 2005
I glance at the notes before reviewing an elderly gynae patient on the ward round.
Good news: physio have finally been to see her. Bad news: the entry reads, "Patient too drowsy to assess."
I pop in. The patient is dead.
Sunday 25 December 2005
Good news/Bad news. Good news: it’s Christmas morning. Bad news: I have to work on labour ward. Worse news: my phone goes off. It’s my registrar. I didn’t set my alarm and now they’re wondering where the hell I am. Even worse news: I’m asleep in my car. It takes me a while to establish where I am or why. Good news: it seems I fell asleep after my shift last night and I’m already at work, in the hospital car park.
I leap out of the car, grab a quick shower and then I’m good to go, a mere ten minutes late. I have eight missed calls from H and a text saying "Merry Christmas", full stop, no kiss. This year we’re doing Christmas on my next day off: 6 January. "Just think how reduced the crackers will be by then!" was the only positive I could offer.
Wednesday 22 March 2006
3am attendance at labour ward triage. Patient RO is 25 years old and 30 weeks into her first pregnancy. She complains of a large number of painless spots on her tongue. Diagnosis: taste buds.
Monday 12 February 2007
Prescribing a morning-after pill in A&E. The patient says, "I slept with three guys last night. Will one pill be enough?"
Wednesday 25 August 2010
An 85-year-old, long-stay gynae oncology patient broke our hearts on yesterday’s ward round. She misses her late husband, her children have barely visited since she’s been in hospital and she can’t even have her usual whiskey nightcap in here. I decided to play Boy Scout, prescribed whiskey (50ml nightly) on her drug chart and gave the house officer £20 to get a bottle from the supermarket to pass on to the nursing staff, so they can fulfil the prescription on their drug round.
This morning, the ward sister reports that the patient declined her drink because and I quote: "Jack Daniel’s is fucking cat piss."
I defy anyone not to genuinely belly laugh at every turn pf the page, funniest book I’ve read in AGES!!
What’s on today?
Head, Eyes & Teeth – Catwa Head, Rigged Eyes and teeth - Catya v3.2
Hair – Navy+Copper - Chelsea HeadSize2 @ Nov round of FaMESHed
Skin – Amara Beauty – Antonia 04 Catwa Applier
Body, Hands & Feet – Maitreya Mesh Body - Lara V4.0
Physics – Temptation – 5.5 BONUS C+ D+ SuperTease - Physics
Shape – [Elle et Lui] Tyler Shape - Catwa Bento Head Catya - Maitreya
Necklaces – EF: Empyrean Forge, Sequoia, Long, Medium & Short
Leggings – Blueberry - Cake Leggings - FatPack, (Fav Leggings of all time!!)
Boots – Pure Poison - Alison Boots - Maitreya @ Nov round of FaMESHed
